I have heaps of
good news to share. Fasten your seat belts and hold onto your socks,
because this past month has been a crazy ride with a few bumps. Also, get
comfy, because this is not going to be a brief update; there are just too many
special details and I don’t want to leave out any.
The last time I
posted an update I had gone 10 days without pain. Well, this pain-free stretch
lasted 21 days and I was experiencing euphoria like never before. It is
hard to capture, but after such a long period of time with daily pain - and the fear of daily pain - the absence of
pain made me feel like I was flying. Maybe this is what Isaiah was
referring to when he said, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow
weary, they will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) I could think
and do things without being physically, mentally, and emotionally consumed with
pain. Praise be to God, I was also sleeping, eating without nausea,
continuing to go for daily walks outside, not feeling the grogginess of daily
pain medicine, and my blood sugars were behaving. In addition, some snags
with my insurance paying hospital bills and approving the correct quantity of
medicine all got resolved. Can I get an Amen?! I am even getting a
reimbursement check. Also, a visitor from Pittsburgh Ohio
Palm Sunday I was
singing Hosanna and waving my palm branch with more joy and thanksgiving than
in previous years. I was on top of the mountain and there wasn't a cloud
in the sky!
Then...
On Sunday night,
March 24th, I had a horrible attack of pain. These are called phantom
pains, because the source of the pain is gone (in my case the diseased
pancreas), but the pain paths are still active and the pain is very real and
feels like a pancreatitis attack. Very quickly my pain level went from
zero to 12 (on a scale of 1-10). Thankfully Jack was with me and got me
my breakthrough pain medicine and within an hour it was under control. It
may sound funny, but I felt out of shape for dealing with pain. It felt
more painful to me, because I had gone 3 weeks without pain. However, the
worst part was that I no longer felt invincible. Like an earthquake, I
had tremors of pain throughout the next week. Did I mention this was Holy
Week? Not a great time for a minister’s wife to feel weak. I heard
one minister refer to Holy Week as holy-moly week. Praise be to God, I not
only received the strength I needed to get through the week, but I was given a
burst of energy for Easter weekend to enjoy and celebrate. Emotionally,
my discouragement was instantly transformed into encouragement when friends from
Lancaster , PA
Easter weekend
was full of celebration and provision. The weather was beautiful, flowers
were bursting with color everywhere, and a missed turn lead to an amazing
discovery that a lot of natives to this area don't even know about. I
have to go into extra detail here for a second.
After missing a
turn, our friends spotted a nature center and asked if we could stop there.
There were a lot of fascinating, hands on activities and live animals
inside the center. The family visiting us had asked about fishing.
I had no idea where to fish, or even get a license for that matter.
Well, this nature center had free fishing poles to borrow and only
charged $6 for 12 big pieces of bait. They didn’t even need a license to
fish off the long pier that led out into the sound. Talk about provision! The boys were
able to fish, while the rest of us stayed in the wildlife center. In
addition, we got to meet a beautifully vibrant turtle who only gets fed twice a
week. Her feedings take place at noon, and it just so happened that we arrived
at 11:45 AM on a day the turtle gets fed. Any earlier or later and we
would have missed this experience. I love when God takes care of the
details and I am able to see it. I am afraid many times God does take
care of the details, yet I fool myself into thinking that I am responsible for
"making things happen".
Another detail
God took care of on Easter was the weather. It was drizzling all morning on
Easter Sunday, but the rain stopped and the sun came out in time for an egg
hunt. I know the Easter egg hunt would have been fine with rain, but it
awe inspiring to see it rain in the morning and rain in the late afternoon, but
pause for a few hours to dry the grass for the hunt.
The holy week
services were also saturated in provision and God's handy work. Jack
preached on Maundy Thursday and at the evening service on Easter Sunday and God
clearly provided the messages. The services were woven with themes
carried by the music, the Scripture, the litany, the prayers, and the sermon
which were all done by different people. I love reinforcement and I view
it as affirmation.
I crashed
physically and emotionally the next day, Easter Monday, April 1. My
friends were on their way back to Lancaster
On this same
day, I found out my dad's mother (my Nana) had fallen and broken her hip.
This was no April Fool's joke. I got to experience being on the
other side - feeling far away from a loved one who was undergoing surgery.
I felt helpless. Thank goodness prayer is not limited by spatial or
geographic boundaries.
I am notorious
for underestimating the time needed for a project or for recovery. My one
day of rest, stretched into a week of twice-daily naps. Taking a shower
wiped me out. What was happening? I felt isolated and alone. It
is hard to be around people if you don't have the energy to get out the door.
However, when I am really tired, I tend to pray more and read.
During this week
of recovery, I began reading a book entitled, one
in a million: journey to your promised land by Priscilla Shirer. Priscilla
talks about the strong parallels between the Israelites being freed from Egypt Red Sea . However, like the
Israelites I have quickly forgotten the miracles and provision and started to
grumble and complain. Why am I so fatigued? Will I ever have the
energy to be gainfully employed or to raise children?
Thank goodness
for reality checks. I am only three months out from major surgery -
healing takes energy, so fatigue is normal. I felt like a newsflash went
through my brain in big, flashing neon letters: "You are free from daily
pain, and you are complaining about being tired?" Really?! I had
gotten away from an attitude of gratitude and I was sinking fast. I
took a step of faith (my faith sometimes feels like the size of a mustard seed)
and asked someone I don't know super well if she would mind getting together
and praying with me each week. Time and time again, God has shown me that
following His nudges (aka obedience), leads to blessings. However, for some
reason I get wimpy and become concerned with whether I will look foolish.
I took the step and am glad I did. I needed to be re-centered for
the week ahead. Of course, I anticipated a better and easier week ahead.
After all, I had rested for an entire week.
However, on Sunday,
April 7th, I began experiencing insomnia. My stomach started
to feel crampy and I began having flashbacks from last April. On April 9,
2012, almost one year to the day, I had an ERCP at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore
On April 8th
(now we are back to the present 2013), I had a cleansing cry and let out all of
the emotions and feelings I was trying so hard to suppress. I realized if
I wanted to have freedom, I had to forgive. I had to forgive the
physicians at Johns Hopkins that made mistakes or weren't responsive enough to
my needs (in my opinion). Praise God for His help in giving me the
strength to forgive, because it was hard. Reading the parable of the
unforgiving debtor (Matthew 18:21-35) helped me to put things in perspective. To paraphrase the parable, a king forgave a
huge debt (approximately $20 million) to servant "A" who turns around
and grabs servant "B" by the throat and demands he repay his debt of
$20. God who knows everything I have
done and everything I will do (good, bad and ugly) loves and forgives me.
Surely, after SO much forgiveness has been shown to me, I can forgive
others.
Tuesday, April
9th came and I was at peace.
Wednesday, April
10th came - woohoo - 3 months without a pancreas! Still, my energy was
limited, but I was rejoicing in my pain-free state. I noticed all week that
my blood sugar levels had been lower and my energy was dwindling. I
thought maybe I need to beef up on my carbs, so I did. However, by Wednesday
afternoon, I felt like getting out of my chair would be impossible. I really wasn't feeling good. A
voice/thought entered my head that said check your temperature. I did and
I had a fever. I rarely have a fever. I checked my blood
sugar. It wasn't going up like it should have after all I ate. I
started feeling shaky and like I was going to pass out. Jack was in
meetings and I didn’t want to call him, even though I was SCARED! I
texted a friend who was going to the church and asked if, when she saw Jack,
she could have him call me. I called a neighbor who wasn't home, but, by
the grace of God, she called another neighbor who was able to come over to my
house. She sat with me until Jack came home. Jack was supposed to
lead a class that evening, but the senior pastor said, "Go, we can cover
this." I realize not all bosses would be so understanding. I
am blessed!
Afterwards, I
felt embarrassed. Did I overreact? Was I being a bad diabetic?
Should I have had a more secure plan in place?
I went to bed
April 10th feeling defeated and fear started to creep in. Could I ever be
in the house by myself? What if this happens again? I couldn't sleep and
this was my fourth night in a row not being able to fall asleep until 2 am or
later. I was in not in the mindset to be thankful, so I believe that the
Holy Spirit was nudging me to thank God. I started saying, "Thank
you, Jesus" over and over. The more I said it the more at peace and
calm I felt.
Guess what?
I have been able to sleep each night since then. I even slept
through a severe thunderstorm that hit our area at 3 a.m. Friday morning. Unfortunately, the storm woke up Jack, which
didn’t make for an ideal drive to Charleston
Friday, was a
marathon of doctors in Charleston
Next, I saw the
surgeon who said I was a poster-child for the surgery. He is not
concerned about my fatigue, because "after chronic pain and major surgery
you aren't going to just bounce back - your body is healing and that takes
time." He also said that many of his patients who are 6 months post-surgery
are not doing nearly as well as I am doing now.
The nutritionist
said eating more frequent, small meals will help with my energy, but echoed the
surgeon in saying that fatigue is normal 3 months after major surgery. She
also gave me some new vitamins to try.
The
endocrinologist (diabetes doctor), explained that when your immune system is
fighting a virus, your blood sugars are going to be lower. He said that I
reacted perfectly when I started to feel shaky. The best thing to do when
I am sick is to rest and stay hydrated. The endocrinologist asked if I
would be willing to talk to another doctor who wanted to meet me. She
couldn't believe how well a person without a pancreas could be doing.
I couldn't believe a doctor was excited to see and meet me?!
All of my
doctors said they don't need to see me for 3 months. After seeing them
monthly, this feels like a huge vote of confidence.
Wow! I
came home last night feeling pretty humbled. I had been grumbling about
my slow progress and it turns out I am way ahead of schedule. I still
feel weak and am fighting this virus, but I am back to soaring. Isn't our
God awesome?
I have three
trips scheduled in the next three months. I won’t be traveling alone,
though, and I will be with family at all times as we celebrate birthdays,
weddings, and friendships. God knows I like to celebrate. The good
thing about being with family is they will help remind me to rest.
However, I greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue to listen to my
body and have grace with myself. Also, I would appreciate your prayers for
discernment and open doors as I begin to think about future employment.
Lastly, I read
that it was 3 months into wilderness before the Israelites heard from God at Mt. Sinai
I appreciate you
reading this extensive update. I hope I
was able to convey how your prayers and encouragement have been heard and
appreciated. I am a strong believer in
the power of prayer and am always delighted and honored to pray for you or someone
you love.
Blessings,
Becky
