Benchmarks

Hi fabulous cheerleaders,

I hope to be brief, but I have yet to be successful at accomplishing this goal.  Thus, I recommend getting a cup of tea and getting comfortable.

I have passed 2 significant benchmarks in the past 2 days with the help of friends, family and God.  Yes, that means YOU!  I cannot begin to list how many notes, emails and texts have arrived with divine timing, providing just the right words that I needed to hear.  Not to mention the prayers that have continued to carry me.  A lesson I learned many years ago is to celebrate the small stuff.  I hope you will join me in celebrating and remember to celebrate the the benchmarks in your life.

Yesterday, Feb 21, was exactly 6 weeks since my surgery.  I don't know what makes 6 weeks so special, but many of my discharge restrictions get lifted at 6 weeks.  Don't worry, I am not going out tonight to bench press 200 pounds or compete in a triathlon. (Figure, I will save that for next week ;0)  However, I now can take a bath and I am looking forward to enjoying this luxury.

Two days ago, Feb 20, marked one month of being at home post-surgery.  I have loved every minute of being out of a hospital gown, especially wearing sweatpants with pockets.

For those of you who know my mom, it will come as no surprise that she spoils me terribly.  She gave me a pair of sweatpants with pockets.  Pockets are so nice for holding my phone, tissues and keys.  These are my essentials when I go with my mom on our daily walks.

I have decided "pockets" is my favorite word for the day and sums up a lot of recent victories and challenges.

A season can feel really long and overwhelming, but pockets of time seem more manageable.  My days continue to be long, so I like thinking of each day as containing several pockets.  In the past few weeks I have had some marvelous pockets - I have gotten to walk the beach, get my haircut, and be serenaded by a barbershop quartet that came to my home on Valentine's Day (yes, Jack earned a wheelbarrow full of brownie points).  I have had pockets of time to read, to watch Carol Burnett Show episodes, and pray.

Most of my days consist of pockets of laughter and pockets of tears.  Pockets of epiphanies and encouragement and pockets of confusion.  Through the guidance of Priscilla Shirer in her study, "Discerning the Voice of God", and Scripture, I have been reminded that God's voice is not one of guilt or condemnation (Isaiah 54:4, Romans 8:1, John 8:11).  Instead, God's voice is one of love, truth and peace (James 3:17) and will always match up with what is in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16).  The revelation was that the Holy Spirit, which is the only one to know the thoughts of God (1 Corinthians 2:10-12), can lead 2 different people on 2 different paths and both be holy for those specific individuals (Romans 14).  For example, what job to take, what food to eat, what movies to watch, what books to read, etc.  I have felt confused for years why some people feel convicted to avoid certain things and others do not.  Romans 14 explains these differences and how we are to live in peace.  Hallelujah!  I am so thankful to serve a God of peace and not division.  (My mom and I have been writing Scripture on index cards to help remind ourselves of different truths.)  I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to read, grow and learn, but as you will see below I still have a ways to go.  

I have wrestled with and asked God for help in taking my eyes off of my circumstances and to be able to fix them on the Lord.  Maybe I need to change my prayer request...

As you all know, I hate pain - it is my Achilles' heal.  I feel like I can handle just about anything, but pain.  A week or so ago, I was gaining confidence.  I had the blood sugar testing down (side note: thank you for your prayers - it has become easier with time), I was walking farther and faster, sleeping less, eating more, and overall I was progressing in the linear way I prefer.  My pain had decreased to a point where I was able to go two days without any pain medicine.  I thought I was ready to go to church and keep moving forward.  Last Saturday night I was hit with horrible pain and could not fall asleep until 6 AM.  I rationalized that I let the pain get too bad before taking any medicine and therefore was unable to sleep.  I was relieved Sunday night when I was able to sleep.  Unfortunately, it felt like a replay Monday night, however this time the insomnia was accompanied by horrible stomach cramping.  I quickly realized I had a stomach bug.  Okay, not fun, but at least my mom was home with me and this was not a day we had doctors' appointments in Charleston.  I thought, "Yes, I am looking above my circumstances."  My mom even encouraged me that this stomach bug may be accelerating getting toxins out of my body.  Yes, I would think positively.  Unfortunately, my pride started to swell.  By Wed night I had survived 48 hours of running to the bathroom and not sleeping at night, while not taking any prescription pain medicine in 4 days.  I was staying hydrated and relying on Tylenol and moist heat.  I began imagining how proud my surgeon would be when I told him I was completely off prescription pain medicine, not even taking break through pain medicine, and had kept my blood sugars under control through my first bug.  While I didn't purchase a billboard add and say, "look at amazing me", I was feeling like I had licked this recovery.  To be honest, I couldn't wait to gain some strength after the stomach bug, so I could report on my progress.

Wed night my pain quickly escalated to a 12, on a 1 to 10 pain scale.  I cried as I took the break through pain medicine, because not only was the pain unbearable, but my record was now broken.  I also couldn't fall asleep until after 1 AM.  Last night the pain came back and again this afternoon.  I am humbly back to taking my pain medicine daily.  (I appreciate all of the encouragement to be easier on myself.  These words were particularly comforting the past few days.)  My blood sugars are spiking because of the pain.  I feel like once again, I am back on my knees begging for mercy.

My beloved church family in Lancaster, PA has a Lenten theme each year.  (Side note: Lent is a season of preparation for Easter.)  This year's theme is "Strength in Weakness".  The devotionals have helped encourage and remind me that in my weakness, God's strength more clearly shines.  This past Tuesday, I received a devotional from my Nana (my dad's mom) in the mail.  Max Lucado wrote, "Where is God when we hurt? Where is he when sleep won't come? Where is he when we awaken in a hospital bed with pain that won't subside?  He's right here!"  I started to cry as I read these words, because my Nana had put this in the mail before my latest insomnia and stomach bug episode began.  This is just one example of God's divine timing.  During my Bible study today the words in Exodus 3:7 leapt off the page.  God, says to Moses "I am aware of their [Israel's] suffering."  I felt that God was reminding me once again that I am not forgotten.  Thus, with hope and anticipation, I look forward to sharing how God's strength will continue to shine during this dry pocket.

I gratefully and humbly ask for your partnership in prayer.  My prayer requests:

1) Wisdom and discernment to hear God's voice, particularly with knowing how to take care of this body.  I am still waiting for the manual :0)

2) Endurance for my husband, Jack.  Needless to say, his sleep has been impacted this week by my insomnia.  This weekend and next weekend he is leading retreats and preaching this Sunday and next Sunday.

3) Peace for my parents.  My parents have made a tremendous sacrifice to be apart, so my mom could care for me.  I am grateful for so many who have encouraged and supported both of them.  Friday, March 8th my mom is flying home after being in SC for two months.  My prayer is that my mom would feel at peace when she leaves knowing I am okay and peace for my parents right now as they miss one another.

A Scripture that has been extra special to me over the past ten years I will conclude with.  From John 14:27 Jesus is quoted saying, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Peace, love and gratitude,

Becky

One Month Down

Dearest faithful friends and family,

Yesterday marked one month of being pancreas-free.  Surprisingly the past week or so has felt like the hardest stretch.  The withdrawal symptoms intensified to the point I couldn't sleep without the aid of prescription medication, had constant pain and nausea, couldn't get comfortable, felt like I was going to pass out and vomit simultaneously, and continued with sweats and chills.  I did a lot of crying and walking.  I joked with my mom that we better pull down the shades, so our neighbors wouldn't think we were taking some sort of illicit drugs as we marched around the house listening to praise music.  I would try and tire myself out so I could sleep.  Sleep was my only escape from pain.

Discouraged does not begin to capture how I felt.  Defeated and confused gets a little closer.  I just couldn't think straight, let alone comprehend that my healing was progressing forward.  I was pleading and begging God to eliminate the pain.  The pain had exceeded my threshold and exhaustion was making me extra miserable.  Not having a time-table for when the pain would let up was daunting and overwhelming.

This past Friday I had my first follow-up with the surgeon.  I am embarrassed to say, subconsciously I put my hope and trust in him to erase my pain.  I asked the surgeon why I was experiencing so much pain and what to do to prevent it.  I can only imagine what my face looked like when he replied, "Pain is normal after surgery.  You should anticipate pain for 6 months after this surgery."  Not what I wanted to hear!

Now that you have been down in the trenches with me are you ready for the miracles?!

These may not seem like miracles, but they were bursts of hope and affirmation that I was not forgotten.

Friday my favorite resident doctor from my hospital stay popped her head in just to say hello on her way to the OR.  I was able to report to her that I have been passing many manly farts.

The dietitian met with me (I hadn't known I was going to see her either) and made some recommendations to help with sour belches and getting good bacteria back in my system.

I was also able to meet with a pharmaceutical doctor to go over when and how I should be taking different medications.  She suggested taking nausea medicine every time I take pain medicine, because pain medicine can cause additional nausea.  

Today, literally and figuratively, the clouds parted.

I had a follow up appointment with my primary care physician (PCP).  He helped explain that the source of my pain is gone (aka the pancreas), but there are a lot of nerve endings that were attached to the pancreas.  The nerve endings will heal and I am progressing in the right direction.  His instructions were, "Keep smiling and don't get discouraged.  It is going to get easier."  This physician also suggested a different nausea medicine.  I took a dose today and for the first time in weeks I don't feel like I am going to throw up.  Can I get a hallelujah?!  

I also made some adjustments that the surgeon, nutritionist and pharmaceutical doctor recommended and I have had zero sour belches today.  In addition, for the first time in two weeks pain is not gripping and consuming my body.   

Two ladies, who do not know one another, independently shared that I am in the desert, but I am going to see the promised land.  I have been working on a Bible Study focusing on hearing God's voice by Priscilla Shirer.  She talks about praying (God has certainly been getting an earful from me), reading Scripture (I have been focusing on passages of hope in Jesus Today), and confirmations by Elis (mature and wise individuals) in your life.  I must also mention I have been blessed to continue to receive many encouraging notes and cards.  I feel like a slow learner.  I must be told and reminded many times that I am going to survive and the pain is not going to last forever.

I am also happy to report that my blood sugar continues to stay in the normal range.  I may have had a defective pancreas, but praise God my liver is healthy and willing to take on additional responsibilities :0)

I am hopeful that I have turned a corner.  Regardless, this little respite from pain has reminded me of how wonderful and enjoyable life can be.  God heard my weary cries and the pleading by many on my behalf.  I feel encouraged to press forward.  My prayer is that you too may feel encouraged, trusting and knowing that God hears your prayers and pleas.  As we approach Lent, a season of preparation for Easter, I hope you will listen and hear God's persistent voice through prayer, Scripture, and mentors.

Blessings and love,

Becky