Thankful for More Milestones to Celebrate!

Hi faithful friends and family,

I have been celebrating and rejoicing over several milestones.

The beginning of Oct. marked one year of employment and service for my husband at the church here in SC.

November 10th marked 10 months being pancreas-free.

Today marks 6 months since I last needed insulin!

I would greatly appreciate prayers as I enter my first holiday season as a diabetic. I am also experiencing some withdrawal symptoms as I try to gradually get off of some more medicine. Hopefully, once this medicine is out of my system I will feel less foggy and fatigued. I continue to seek discernment as to where and how God wants to use me while trying to embrace the present.

As always, thank you for your prayers and encouragement and know I am delighted and honored to pray for you.

May you know how thankful I am for YOU!

Deepest gratitude,
Becky

Hurdle in the form of a hernia

Dearest friends and family,

I have hit another hiccup, but once again blessings abound.

Physical therapy has continued to provide me with relief and strength.  This past Monday evening I was completing my daily stretches before bed when I noticed something strange…a golf ball size bulge on my abdomen right next to my 5 inch incision.  Instinctively, I pressed on it.  Why?  I am not sure.  Unfortunately, this action caused me to almost vomit and pass out.  My head started to spin.  I am not sure if it was from pain or fear. 

I called to Jack, hoping I was just seeing things.  Nope.  Jack confirmed that I needed to call the doctor in the morning.  I had a hernia.  I had a hernia repair when I was 5.  While it wasn’t traumatizing, it was surgery. I was concerned about having to be opened up again.  The thought of another surgery was too much.  I should be a professional hospital patient, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of  IVs, hospital beds, hospital gowns, sterile rooms, etc.

Monday night was a sleepless night of pleading with God for no more incisions.  I tried my best to thank the Lord for this disguised blessing and ask for His help in having gratitude and joy overflow from my soul.  (I was inspired by Romans 15:13 – “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”)  That night and next day were spent saying silent breath prayers knowing and trusting that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God.  Only by God’s grace could I sing praises, as my heart pounded.

 Tuesday morning I was so queasy, I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I called the doctor’s office at 8 AM and was seen 45 minutes later.  The doctor confirmed that I have a hernia and ordered an ultrasound.  I was able to have the ultrasound done the same morning and by 1 PM, I had the results.  No surgery!  The hernia should heal with rest.  No stretching or straining the abdomen area.  I can handle that!

Obviously, a humongous praise for no surgery.  However, I am also aware that I was truly blessed to have peace of mind and results in less than 24 hours of discovering the hernia.  I was able to have the ultrasound Tuesday morning, because I hadn’t eaten.  I was never so happy to be nauseous. 

Jack drove me home from the doctors, walked in the house and twisted the wrong way causing his back to go into spasms.  Tuesday afternoon was spent trying to get Jack comfortable.  Typically, some moist heat and medicine do the trick.  Tuesday night Jack’s back was spazzing from just breathing. 

Today, Wed, we returned to the doctors and Jack was able to get some relief from a shot, an anti-inflammatory, and some pain medicine.  Once again God provided relatively fast relief through the aid of a medical doctor.

On a normal week this would be an emotional and physical fatiguing few days.  However, I was anticipating flying to Pennsylvania tomorrow (Thursday) for a healing prayer workshop at my former church home.  I was looking forward to not only being prayed over, but learning new ways to be a conduit for God’s love while connecting with beloved friends in Lancaster.  My plane tickets have been canceled and I am staying put.  My job right now is “working on healing” and thus, staying home and resting is what I need to focus on.

I feel like a football player who has the wind knocked out of them.  I am super disappointed.  I am incredibly thankful to be avoiding surgery, but why did this have to happen now?  As soon as this question popped into my head, a slew of worse scenarios arose.  This could have happened while I was away from home or it could have taken a long time to see a doctor and get results.

God has given me the strength I have needed each day.  This is a relatively small wave, but it has still managed to knock me down.  I am going to be fine, but I am more aware of how frightened to the core I am of complications or surgery.  I refuse to live in fear, but could use prayers to rest well after being shaken by fear.  Resting and being still are not my strengths, so prayers are greatly appreciated.

My heart also goes out to others who have been terrified and traumatized in much worse circumstances like Nairobi and Syria.  I feel so foolish and embarrassed at what frightens me when I ponder world events.  My hope is that by pointing to God’s hand at work in my imperfect life, others will see God at work in their life and share their own God stories.  I am encouraged by your prayers…know God is certainly at work!

Peace and deep gratitude,

Becky 

  

New Season

Dearest faithful friends and family,

August 19th marked 3 months without any insulin.  This is a miracle.  The islet cells you prayed for back in January continue to be going strong.

I also have to share that your prayers have brought me courage and out of courage my hope has been renewed. 

Eating smaller meals has helped my digestion, but unfortunately did not diminish my stabbing rib pain.  Instead, my rib pain increased in intensity, disrupted my sleep and prohibited me from finding a comfortable position to sit or lie down in.  Naturally, increased sleep deprivation and pain led to discouragement.

Thanks to your prayers and the encouragement of my husband, Jack, I returned to my primary care physician (PCP).  I was afraid that my rib pain was permanent and my PCP would throw his arms in the air and refuse to see me ever again.  (Yes, Jack would say I have an active imagination, since my PCP has displayed only extreme perseverance.)  A surprise to me, my dreaded appointment was quite fruitful.  My PCP predicted I have a muscular-skeletal problem and ordered an X-ray, prescribed an anti-inflammatory, and referred me to a physical therapist (PT). 

While the X-ray came back normal, the anti-inflammatory provided some instant relief.  My hands and knees have felt swollen, but I thought this was from the humidity.  After one dose, all my joints felt better and I had less rib pain lying down.

Courage was required once again.  I hate meeting a new individual in the medical field and having to retell my medical history.  I feel judged.  Of course I project the judgment on myself, believing that others look at me as someone who just cannot get it together.  I look healthy, so why can I not just be healthy.

Now for the mega news: I have 2 dislocated ribs and 3 vertebrae out of ailment.  My posture has been compromised over the past two years from hunching over in pain.  I am now going to PT twice a week and doing daily stretches to strengthen my core and improve my posture.  My sleep quality and energy have improved and hence my mood has improved.  I feel better now than I have felt in over a year.  I still tire easily and require naps, but I will take this any day over pain.

I must confess that I temporarily let go of my joy and celebration with one phone call.  The company I have disability insurance through called a week or so ago and asked “Aren’t you young for being on disability?  Don’t you want to work?”  I instantly felt guilt heap on me.  Thank goodness for Jack and my parents who reminded me that “I am working on healing.”  I am unsubscribing to the guilt and lies that I am not trying hard enough, and am celebrating less pain.

A friend of mine with 5 daughters and serious health issues, shared with me that she prays every morning for the strength for that day.  I am slowly making peace and letting go of control and instead clinging to the Lord, trusting God will provide me the strength I need for each day.  Like manna in the wilderness, God provides enough for today.  The other image that keeps surfacing in my mind is of Peter walking on water.  Peter is able to walk on water as long as he keeps his eyes on Jesus.  I start to sink every time I start focusing on my circumstances, instead of Jesus.  Thus, my prayer request is for perseverance to keep my focus on the Lord and thanksgiving for the faithful ways our God provides.

I have half-joked that the past 2 years I worked on a Masters in suffering.  As a new school year begins, I am optimistic that a new degree is underway.  I pray that I would be open to the lessons that each day holds.  Ecclesiastics reminds us that there is a season for everything.  May you encounter a season of purging what is not from God (fear, lies, etc.) and instead clothing yourself with God’s armor.

I am getting stronger and I hope a little better at responding to email.  Please know it is always an honor to pray for you or a loved one.

Gratitude and love,

Becky

prayers answered!

Dearest faithful friends and family,

I am swelling with praises and my fingers cannot type fast enough.  Prayers have been answered!

Sunday night when I typed my previous update and requested prayers, I was feeling terrified.  My feelings were neither rational nor logical.  Endoscopies are not scary, but I was scared of the results.  I was petrified of a complication from surgery requiring additional hospitalization.  

I felt the prayers in little and humongous ways.  

The nurses were all super sweet and friendly.  As my main nurse was going over my medical history, gratitude began rising in me.  Heart problems? No.  Lung problems? No.  High blood pressure? No.  There are a lot of organs and systems in my body that are very healthy.  I had temporarily lost sight of these blessings.  As bizarre as this may sound, being reminded of all of the health in my body provided me with peace and joy.

My anesthesiologist had a contagious smile and reminded me of a dear family friend, Sam Rice.  What a gift to be surrounded by kind, compassionate and competent individuals.  

For whatever reason, when the nurses prepped me, I was not given an IV.  If I haven't mentioned before, I hate IVs.  All of a sudden, I was next to go in.  A swarm of nurses quickly surrounded me, put me on oxygen, inserted an IV and started the sleepy stuff.

When I woke up and saw Jack's face, I informed him that I was next.  I was utterly confused and dazed when he told me it was all over.

Now, for the humongous praise: my esophagus and stomach lining look good, where I had surgery is healing properly and I have no adhesions.  Can I get an Amen?!

The only issue seen was food sitting in my stomach after 15 hours of fasting.  FYI: a normal stomach empties after 45 minutes of eating.  This may sound twisted, but this is an answer to prayer.  I wanted something small to be found, so a source for the pain could be addressed.  I have had this issue before.  Gastroparesis (the medical term for delayed stomach emptying) is treated naturally by eating smaller meals and consuming foods that are easier to digest.  In the past I have had bacteria overgrowth caused by undigested food.  I have a feeling this may be the culprit.  To confirm my hypothesis a test is done where the patient blows into a bag every 15 minutes for 2 hours..no needles and no pain.

All this to say, I felt relief wash over me.  Your prayers caught me and lifted me up, as if I was crowd surfing at a concert.  The imagery of God's hands holding us has jumped out at me as I have been reading the Psalms.  I have been overwhelmed by the responses of people praying and have felt like your prayers are a way God's hands are at work.  

Final thought that I feel compelled to share.  Monday evening while reading Broken Body, Healing Spirit by Mary C. Earle, the author explains that a person can be healed without being cured and cured without being healed.  I have been wresting with why suffering continues when a loving and healing God reigns.  This was a revelation to me and I eagerly shared it with my husband. He kindly responded, "Becky, you have told me this several times before." Thank goodness for reminders, because I forget.

Please know this update comes packed with gratitude and appreciation for your encouragement and prayers.

With humble gratitude and praise,

Becky

Praise and prayer requests

Dearest faithful friends and family,

I feel like I am on an erratic roller coaster ride that was inspired by a yo-yo!  I have some GREAT news and future opportunities for good news.

The great news...drum roll...

My blood glucose levels have been doing so well that my endocrinologist has allowed me to only check my blood glucose twice a day instead of having to prick my fingers four times a day, as I’ve been doing since my surgery. This is a multi-layer praise.  First and foremost, this means my transplanted islet cells are happy and healthy in my liver.  Praise be to God!  Second, my not yet callused fingertips are thankful for the decrease in pricks.  Third, I now have more flexibility with meals and snacks, because I do not have to allow for 2 hour periods between snacks and meals.  Overall, a big wahoo!

Additional good news: vitamin deficiencies have been found and are being corrected.  My iron, Vitamin C and Vitamin D levels were all low, so I am taking supplements.  Correcting these deficiencies should provide a boost in energy.  Another Woohoo!

Now for the blessings disguised as trials.

My body has decided to not like food.  If it wasn't so painful, it would be funny.  Every time I try to eat, I have to run to the bathroom.  If my bowels got paid for working, they would be making some serious overtime :0)

In addition, sharp, stabbing pain has returned to my ribcage.  The pain has increased to the point that this past Wednesday night I prayed for the rapture to come.  I am ready for a new body and to be in a place without pain or tears.  However, God reminded me of my future children and I couldn’t help but change my prayer request for strength and wholeness to be a good mother.

The blessings include my prayer life becoming more focused and an increased awareness of my reliance on God has grown.  I could not sleep several nights this past week due to pain, so I prayed for everyone I could think of.  Due to my foggy memory, I am sure I prayed for many individuals multiple times.  I also felt compelled to pray for groups of people, especially those who are treading water and just trying to keep their head above water.  I feel empathy for those experiencing loss.  Loss of a loved one, a job/career, or a dream.  My heart is still adjusting to the longer than anticipated recovery from surgery.

Part of my current struggle is I am a math person who likes to plot points and make projections.  Right now my pain and energy are not trending in the desired direction.  I become discouraged because I am feeling worse now than I was three months ago. However, I am comforted by remembering God's faithfulness in the past.  I picture myself holding a lantern, because figuratively I can only see one arm length in front of me.  Thus, I ask for discernment from God for the next step (even though I impatiently want directions for the next 10 miles :0)    

Tomorrow (Monday 7/29/13) at 9 AM I will have my 8^th endoscopy.  (Side note: this was originally scheduled for 3PM, but on Friday I got a call that there was a cancellation and I could have the procedure done at 9 AM.  This is a HUGE praise! While I have already had 7 endoscopies this is the first one where I am diabetic.  When you are not to eat or drink after midnight, 9 AM is a lot less daunting than 3 PM.)  I feel like I should be a professional at IVs and hospitals and medical tests, but I am not.  The smells and the gowns cause a lot of past memories to erupt.  My prayer requests are for peace and a simple solution to my latest pain and digestive gyrations.

The consecutive days of pain, sleepless nights, and frequent runs to the bathroom have worn me down.  The image that comes to mind are of ocean waves.  It takes a sizeable wave to knock a person down, but once down little waves can prevent a person from collecting themselves, regaining orientation and balance, and ultimately standing up.  I trust and hold on to the hope of better days and blessings rooted in purpose.  I know attitude is essential for survival.  My toolbox of attitude boosters include: Scripture, music, inspiring stories, and thoughts of my future forever children.  The latter, as previously mentioned, is what helps me keep fighting when I feel like giving up.

I have been reading about different individuals who have been conduits for healing who have first experienced suffering.  This is not to glorify suffering, but to acknowledge transformation can be a by-product.  I want to be a conduit for healing.  I would prefer for my updates to have neatly tied bows with no loose ends (aka no issues, concerns or struggles).  However, my life has been significantly improved by transparent lives.  Thus, I humbly aspire and hope that by sharing my work-in-progress life will nourish others who are struggling.

With gratitude and love,

Becky    

6 days from 6 month mark

Hello my dear faithful friends and family,

Happy 4th of July!  Many thanks to all who have contributed to the freedoms Americans get to enjoy every day.  I was reflecting on all of the freedoms I am blessed with.  Many of the freedoms I have been offered are not mandated by the government, but instead have come in the form of invitation from friends. The freedom and space to vent, to cry, and to ask unanswerable questions.  Thank YOU!

In 6 days I will reach the 6 month mark of being pancreas-free (on July 10th).  I have longed for this day with great anticipation.  I envisioned being able to work and being “normal”.  As my sister reminded me, normal is only a setting on the dryer.  Thus, I am slowly accepting my “new normal”.

Update from last post…

On Tuesday, June 11th I saw Dr. Adams at MUSC.  He believes my pain is nerve related, but in order to rule out any complications from surgery he ordered a CT scan, blood work and an endoscopy. 

Prayers were answered that day.  According to the hospital, the typical time it takes insurance companies to approve a CT scan is between 15 minutes and an hour.  I was told not to eat before the CT scan.  It took 5 hours, many phone calls, and the intervention of supervisors to approve my CT scan. 

Unfortunately, after 5 hours of waiting and 9 hours of not having anything substantial, my blood sugars were off and I was feeling very weak.  I began dry heaving and couldn’t get the radioactive, chalky drink down that was required for the CT scan.  I went up to the receptionist in the waiting room and asked if a clear drink option was available.  (Many years ago I had a CT scan done in an ER and they gave me a clear drink that I was able to swallow.  In the past I have had nurses yell at me for not being able to consume prep concoctions.)  Praise be to God, a very kind and compassionate nurse met with me and gave me two cups filled with clear liquids.  She offered sympathy and said if I could get one cup down that would be sufficient.  By God’s grace, I was able to swallow one cup worth of radioactive “juice” and have the CT scan completed before flying to PA the next morning.

The 3 prayer requests I posted last month have all been answered.

In reverse order, request # 3 was for a safe and joyful opportunity to celebrate and see loved ones.  I had the joy to see many friends and family, and only wish I had had more time to spend with all of them.  I am thankful for the phone and email, but my favorite form of communication is in person.  God blessed me with opportunities to catch up with individuals who have known me for years and with whom my guard falls down naturally and instantly.  What a gift!  I feel incredibly blessed to have people in my life who accept me just as I am, missing organs and all :0)  Every day was a joy-filled celebration.  As a bonus, I was able to meet individuals whom I had never previously met, but who have been praying for me.  This is always a tremendous honor.  I am now safely back in SC with many wonderful memories, feeling more connected with friends and family.

Request #2 was for conclusive answers Tuesday at MUSC and a simple solution to the pain, and ultimately the issue.  More good news: the scan and blood work came back normal.  The endoscopy is scheduled for the end of July.  Thus, at this point it appears the issue is nerve pain.  My nerve blocking pain medicine was increased by Dr. Adams 3 weeks ago.  Unfortunately, my pain frequency and intensity increased over the past month impacting my ability to sleep, causing fatigue and frustration.  Yesterday, I had an appointment with my primary care physician.  He also believes I am suffering from nerve pain.  My nerve blocking pain medicine has once again been increased.  However, if by next week I am continuing to have pain, then I will be prescribed a different nerve blocking pain medication.  Also more blood work was done to check for vitamin deficiencies.  I am thankful to say that last night I got a great nice sleep and was able to take a long nap today, as well.  I am also grateful for an action plan.

Request #1 was to be able to hold onto hope and not be discouraged by this pothole in the recovery process.  This has been a daily plea for me.  My mind is so ready and excited to work, but my physical body is terribly unpredictable.  I can feel fine one second and the next minute be crippled in pain.  I also become tired very quickly.

This past weekend I felt like my little world was shattered.  I rode with Jack as we ran some errands.  After a few stops, I was exhausted and felt ill.  I had to come hope and lay down.  My stamina and strength were better 3 months ago.  What was happening?!  I emailed a patient at MUSC who had her pancreas removed in 2009.  She encouraged me that it was normal to become tired easily and 4 years after her surgery she continues to have to rest frequently.  I was so excited to begin working and was looking at on-line graduate school programs.  Now I can’t even go to the grocery store without a nap before and after.  I came across the words from Isaiah 30:15 (NLT):

This is what the Sovereign Lord,

the Holy One of Israel, says:

“Only in returning to me

and resting in me will you be saved.

In quietness and confidence is your strength."

I attempted to rest and trust that my strength comes from the Lord.

This past Sunday morning (6/30/13), after feeling like I was going to vomit and pass out, I laid down and cried out to God.   I hadn’t slept the past two nights and the pain was becoming unbearable.  I lamented that this was not the life I envisioned for myself.  What child or student dreams of being disabled and weak at age 30?!  I desperately wanted hope and reassurance.  I tried for a second time to get ready for church.  As I was brushing my hair, I looked at a Scripture I had tacked up on my mirror.  A very familiar verse from Jeremiah (29:11 NLT):

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,“ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I had read this verse so many times, but today the final words struck me.  I am promised a hope and a future.  That is what I want and need.  I felt as if this verse had been written today to answer my cry.  By God’s grace, I made it to church and got to hear my husband preach an exceptionally powerful sermon.  Guess what verse was in the bulletin?  Jeremiah 29:11.  I almost started to cry.  God wanted to be sure I knew that I have hope and a future via the Lord.

Jack, my husband, preached on Elijah and Elisha.  To keep them straight, J comes before S in the alphabet.  EliJah was a prophet who taught EliSha.  EliSha’s request was to have a spirit like his prophet teacher, EliJah.  Jack spoke about how we can be EliJah’s and be role models and leaders to EliShas in our life.  Jack encouraged the congregation to think about ourselves as EliShas and look for mentors, or EliJahs in our life.  I reflected on the EliJahs in my life, who have helped mold and shape me.  My brain is like Jell-O, but I can think of 10 off the top of my head. 

I had hoped to be a teacher post-recovery, but at this point it is not looking likely.  I started to feel sad and then remembered that I have hope and a future.  Maybe I will be a teacher in an untraditional way.  Only God knows.  Regardless, I have hope and a future! (Can you tell this is my new mantra?)

What came next, I would have never imagined.

A lady in our church, who has shown great compassion to many, including myself, came up to me and said she had to tell me what a wonderful sermon Jack preached.  My favorite compliments in the world, are ones about my beloved husband, so my day was made! 

However, she continued on to say, she had to tell me that she was reflecting on the EliJahs in her life and I was one.  What?!  I am half her age and she has only known me for 9 months.  She survived cancer and the death of her first husband.  What could she possibly learn from me?!  This is not a plug for myself, but a two-fold blessing.  God heard my distressed plea for hope.  I have felt stuck, like an al dente noodle thrown against a wall.  I have had a narrow picture of what abundant life looks like and God is showing me that there are many things I am oblivious to and do not see, like impacting someone’s life.  Second, this just goes to show, you never know who is watching and being influenced by YOU!

Your prayers certainly have influenced my life.  I am so thankful and humbled that I am remembered in others prayers.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a blog written by someone who had chronic pancreatitis and had the same surgery as me to remove her pancreas and have her islet cells transplanted into her liver.  The blog is http://www.mylifeafterpancreatitis.blogspot.com/  She posted on January 2, 2013, “I have survived 6 years post surgery, taking each day as they come. I have attempted to be transparent to all. I still have pain, and there are days that are spend in bed flat, but there are days that are full of joy.”  I scrolled through her posts and came across one that she wrote 7 months after surgery.  She talked about how she feels like someone has kicked her all around her ribs.  I have been telling Jack how I feel like someone has taken brass knuckles to my ribs.  There is hope and joy in knowing someone else has had a similar experience, especially because I start to feel crazy.  This is an unexpected gift and blessing as I try to navigate “my new normal”.

Please know that prayers do get answered.  I received a card in the mail yesterday that declares, “No ocean can hold it back.  No river can overtake it.  No whirlwind can go faster.  No army can defeat it.  No law can stop it.  No distance can slow it.  No disease can cripple it.  No force on earth is more powerful or effective than the power of PRAYER.”  Can I get an Amen?!!!

Thank you for your powerful prayers.  I pray that you may be encouraged that God has plans for you that include hope and a future.  My energy is low, so I am not good at replying to emails, but I do pray often.  I am always delighted to pray for others, knowing that prayers are answered.  Thus, please feel free to let me know how I can pray specifically for you or a loved one.

Blessings,

Becky

5 months - hit a pothole in the road to recovery

Hi faithful friends and family,

Today marks 5 months pancreas-free.  I have continued to be surrounded by miracles and blessings.  Like an Easter egg hunt, some blessings have been easier to spot than others.

A huge blessing: I got to enjoy 4 days in Chicago spending time with friends from college and celebrating the marriage of a friend who has been, like Anne of Green Gables describes, “a kindred spirit”.  Not only was I able to be present for the wedding, but I was able to stand, dance, eat, catch up in person with friends who have been super supportive, but whom I have not seen in years.  I got to hold a baby and interact with super cute children.  I felt young again.  I got to observe my husband be super amazing in new ways.  It was easy to fill my gratitude journal, because I was on top of a very high mountain.

For the past month or so I have struggled with job searching.  To be honest, it has not been pretty –  I have become obsessed with on-line searches, stressing over what makes financial sense, what am I qualified for, what am I passionate about, and do I have “what it takes” energy wise to do it well.  Instead of staying grounded in my trust of God and the peace the Lord provides, I was floundering in distress.  My mind became so future-focused, that I had little energy or concentration for anything else.

It took an unexpected death of a beloved church member on May 23rd to remember life is short.  By God’s grace, the funeral was 12 hours before we had to leave for the airport to fly to Chicago.  I was blessed to be present at the celebration of one man’s life and then able to be present with my husband at the celebration of a new life through marriage.

This past week literally and figuratively wiped me out.  I anticipated being tired after a week of high energy and emotions.  However, I did not anticipate pain and its forms.  I started having pain and passed out at our kitchen table early Tuesday morning.  I attributed it to my sleep schedule being off and my body tired from travel.  Wednesday evening I was at a church event and blacked out.  I feel like I am back at the butchers with knives jabbing my ribcage and abdomen.  

Ready for the hidden blessings? 

Both Tuesday and Wednesday, my husband was present.  This would have been much scarier if I had been alone.  Wednesday night my husband caught me, so I did not hit my head.  A week earlier and this would have occurred in Chicago.  I have been slowly decreasing a nerve blocking pain medicine in hopes of increasing my energy.  I saw a local doctor on Friday who believes my pain may have been previously masked and now my body is responding to the pain by shutting down.  The cause for the pain may be scar tissue or an adhesion that is affecting my digestion.  Good news, since I am not vomiting, I do not have a blockage.  Also, good news I am able to be seen at MUSC by my surgeon Tuesday morning, 24 hours before I fly North for a friend’s wedding in my hometown.

Prayer request:

1) To hold on to hope and not be discouraged by this pothole in the road to recovery.    

2) Conclusive answers Tuesday and a simple solution to the pain and ultimately the issue.

3) Another safe and joyful opportunity to celebrate and see loved ones.

I will try and post something Tuesday once I know more.  I am confident that this is a minor detour.  Nevertheless, I REALLY appreciate your continued love, support, prayers and encouragement. 

Blessings, love and humble gratitude,

Becky

P.S. I wrote a 4 month update, but forgot to post-it.  See below.

Four months pancreas-free update (typed 5/9/13)

Good morning faithful friends and family,

I am going to try and be brief.  Here goes...

Huge praises:

1) 9 days on a cruise with my family and no health hiccups (no pain, lots of delicious desserts, islet cells kept up, great weather, lots of fun and rest)

2) Realizing a year ago, I was not allowed to eat any food and was on a PICC line - now no food restrictions - what a difference a year makes!

3) Tomorrow marks the 4 month benchmark from surgery - this past month has gone a lot faster than the previous months with very little pain.  Praise be to God!

Prayer requests:

Employment - I have needed some spiritual duct tape to put myself together after the door shut on several dream-sounding jobs.  I desire to glorify God through my employment.  I still have 2 more months before I can begin to work, so it may be premature to be looking.  However, those who know me, know that I strive to have my ducks in a row.  Thus, waiting and not knowing is very hard for me.  Prayers for peace during this time of continued healing would be much appreciated.  Prayers for discernment would also be greatly appreciated.  My body becomes tired easily, so I need to be realistic with the type of work I pursue.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  My quality of life is so, so, so much better.  I can't begin to thank each of you for your prayers and encouragement during this long and rocky season.  I would be delighted and honored to pray for you or for someone you love.  I am just an email away.

Blessings,

Becky   

3 months pancreas free!

 Hi faithful friends and family,

I have heaps of good news to share.  Fasten your seat belts and hold onto your socks, because this past month has been a crazy ride with a few bumps.  Also, get comfy, because this is not going to be a brief update; there are just too many special details and I don’t want to leave out any.

The last time I posted an update I had gone 10 days without pain.  Well, this pain-free stretch lasted 21 days and I was experiencing euphoria like never before.  It is hard to capture, but after such a long period of time with daily pain -  and the fear of daily pain - the absence of pain made me feel like I was flying.  Maybe this is what Isaiah was referring to when he said, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) I could think and do things without being physically, mentally, and emotionally consumed with pain.  Praise be to God, I was also sleeping, eating without nausea, continuing to go for daily walks outside, not feeling the grogginess of daily pain medicine, and my blood sugars were behaving.  In addition, some snags with my insurance paying hospital bills and approving the correct quantity of medicine all got resolved.  Can I get an Amen?!  I am even getting a reimbursement check.  Also, a visitor from Pittsburgh came to speak at our church. His wife graduated from my alma mater.  While she was there, one of my dearest friends from Ohio served as her thesis advisor. These connections make me feel closer to friends far away.  

Palm Sunday I was singing Hosanna and waving my palm branch with more joy and thanksgiving than in previous years.  I was on top of the mountain and there wasn't a cloud in the sky!   

Then...

On Sunday night, March 24th, I had a horrible attack of pain.  These are called phantom pains, because the source of the pain is gone (in my case the diseased pancreas), but the pain paths are still active and the pain is very real and feels like a pancreatitis attack.  Very quickly my pain level went from zero to 12 (on a scale of 1-10).  Thankfully Jack was with me and got me my breakthrough pain medicine and within an hour it was under control.  It may sound funny, but I felt out of shape for dealing with pain.  It felt more painful to me, because I had gone 3 weeks without pain.  However, the worst part was that I no longer felt invincible.  Like an earthquake, I had tremors of pain throughout the next week.  Did I mention this was Holy Week?  Not a great time for a minister’s wife to feel weak.  I heard one minister refer to Holy Week as holy-moly week.  Praise be to God, I not only received the strength I needed to get through the week, but I was given a burst of energy for Easter weekend to enjoy and celebrate.  Emotionally, my discouragement was instantly transformed into encouragement when friends from Lancaster, PA arrived for a visit

Easter weekend was full of celebration and provision.  The weather was beautiful, flowers were bursting with color everywhere, and a missed turn lead to an amazing discovery that a lot of natives to this area don't even know about.  I have to go into extra detail here for a second.  

After missing a turn, our friends spotted a nature center and asked if we could stop there.  There were a lot of fascinating, hands on activities and live animals inside the center.  The family visiting us had asked about fishing.  I had no idea where to fish, or even get a license for that matter.  Well, this nature center had free fishing poles to borrow and only charged $6 for 12 big pieces of bait.  They didn’t even need a license to fish off the long pier that led out into the sound.  Talk about provision!  The boys were able to fish, while the rest of us stayed in the wildlife center.  In addition, we got to meet a beautifully vibrant turtle who only gets fed twice a week. Her feedings take place at noon, and it just so happened that we arrived at 11:45 AM on a day the turtle gets fed.  Any earlier or later and we would have missed this experience.   I love when God takes care of the details and I am able to see it.  I am afraid many times God does take care of the details, yet I fool myself into thinking that I am responsible for "making things happen".  

Another detail God took care of on Easter was the weather. It was drizzling all morning on Easter Sunday, but the rain stopped and the sun came out in time for an egg hunt.  I know the Easter egg hunt would have been fine with rain, but it awe inspiring to see it rain in the morning and rain in the late afternoon, but pause for a few hours to dry the grass for the hunt.  

The holy week services were also saturated in provision and God's handy work.  Jack preached on Maundy Thursday and at the evening service on Easter Sunday and God clearly provided the messages.  The services were woven with themes carried by the music, the Scripture, the litany, the prayers, and the sermon which were all done by different people.  I love reinforcement and I view it as affirmation.

I crashed physically and emotionally the next day, Easter Monday, April 1.  My friends were on their way back to Lancaster, Jack was back at work, and my energy was non-existent.  I quickly took inventory and decided a day of rest was due.  I also reflected on my recent, joy-filled interactions with children, and remembered Jesus' words to have faith like a child.  Goodness, I have some work to do!

On this same day, I found out my dad's mother (my Nana) had fallen and broken her hip.  This was no April Fool's joke.  I got to experience being on the other side - feeling far away from a loved one who was undergoing surgery.  I felt helpless.  Thank goodness prayer is not limited by spatial or geographic boundaries.

I am notorious for underestimating the time needed for a project or for recovery.  My one day of rest, stretched into a week of twice-daily naps.  Taking a shower wiped me out.  What was happening?  I felt isolated and alone.  It is hard to be around people if you don't have the energy to get out the door.  However, when I am really tired, I tend to pray more and read.

During this week of recovery, I began reading a book entitled, one in a million: journey to your promised land by Priscilla Shirer.  Priscilla talks about the strong parallels between the Israelites being freed from Egypt, journeying through the wilderness, and arriving at the Promised Land to being freed from sin, walking in our own wilderness of circumstances and choices, and how to arrive at the land God has promised us.  I quickly realized that I have been freed from the bondage of pain, and I see that miracle as the parting of the Red Sea.  However, like the Israelites I have quickly forgotten the miracles and provision and started to grumble and complain.  Why am I so fatigued?  Will I ever have the energy to be gainfully employed or to raise children?

Thank goodness for reality checks.  I am only three months out from major surgery - healing takes energy, so fatigue is normal.  I felt like a newsflash went through my brain in big, flashing neon letters: "You are free from daily pain, and you are complaining about being tired?" Really?!  I had gotten away from an attitude of gratitude and I was sinking fast.   I took a step of faith (my faith sometimes feels like the size of a mustard seed) and asked someone I don't know super well if she would mind getting together and praying with me each week.  Time and time again, God has shown me that following His nudges (aka obedience), leads to blessings.  However, for some reason I get wimpy and become concerned with whether I will look foolish.  I took the step and am glad I did.  I needed to be re-centered for the week ahead. Of course, I anticipated a better and easier week ahead.  After all, I had rested for an entire week.

However, on Sunday, April 7^th, I began experiencing insomnia.  My stomach started to feel crampy and I began having flashbacks from last April.  On April 9, 2012, almost one year to the day, I had an ERCP at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore.  The ERCP was supposed to be an outpatient endoscopic procedure, but mine went horribly wrong.  Instead of ending the pain by putting a stint in my pancreas duct, I had a pancreatitis attach and my intestine was cut.  It took 3 days to get the pain under control.  I had a NG tube put down my throat.  They stopped giving me my regular daily medicine, and had to be moved to ICU as a result.  I had a pick line inserted in my arm for nutrition and was finally discharged from the hospital after 13 traumatic days.  The more I try not to think about it the more the memories and details haunt me.  I keep telling myself, "I am safe. I am pain- and tube-free now."...so why the fear?  I prayed and prayed for peace and to be able to move forward, but I felt not only stuck, but in a downward spiral.  

On April 8th (now we are back to the present 2013), I had a cleansing cry and let out all of the emotions and feelings I was trying so hard to suppress.  I realized if I wanted to have freedom, I had to forgive.  I had to forgive the physicians at Johns Hopkins that made mistakes or weren't responsive enough to my needs (in my opinion).  Praise God for His help in giving me the strength to forgive, because it was hard.  Reading the parable of the unforgiving debtor (Matthew 18:21-35) helped me to put things in perspective.  To paraphrase the parable, a king forgave a huge debt (approximately $20 million) to servant "A" who turns around and grabs servant "B" by the throat and demands he repay his debt of $20.  God who knows everything I have done and everything I will do (good, bad and ugly) loves and forgives me.  Surely, after SO much forgiveness has been shown to me, I can forgive others.  

Tuesday, April 9th came and I was at peace.

Wednesday, April 10th came - woohoo - 3 months without a pancreas!  Still, my energy was limited, but I was rejoicing in my pain-free state.  I noticed all week that my blood sugar levels had been lower and my energy was dwindling.  I thought maybe I need to beef up on my carbs, so I did.  However, by Wednesday afternoon, I felt like getting out of my chair would be impossible.  I really wasn't feeling good.  A voice/thought entered my head that said check your temperature.  I did and I had a fever.  I rarely have a fever.  I checked my blood sugar.  It wasn't going up like it should have after all I ate.  I started feeling shaky and like I was going to pass out.  Jack was in meetings and I didn’t want to call him, even though I was SCARED!  I texted a friend who was going to the church and asked if, when she saw Jack, she could have him call me.  I called a neighbor who wasn't home, but, by the grace of God, she called another neighbor who was able to come over to my house.  She sat with me until Jack came home.  Jack was supposed to lead a class that evening, but the senior pastor said, "Go, we can cover this."  I realize not all bosses would be so understanding.  I am blessed!

Afterwards, I felt embarrassed.  Did I overreact?  Was I being a bad diabetic?  Should I have had a more secure plan in place?

I went to bed April 10th feeling defeated and fear started to creep in.  Could I ever be in the house by myself?  What if this happens again? I couldn't sleep and this was my fourth night in a row not being able to fall asleep until 2 am or later.  I was in not in the mindset to be thankful, so I believe that the Holy Spirit was nudging me to thank God.  I started saying, "Thank you, Jesus" over and over.  The more I said it the more at peace and calm I felt.  

Guess what?  I have been able to sleep each night since then.  I even slept through a severe thunderstorm that hit our area at 3 a.m. Friday morning.  Unfortunately, the storm woke up Jack, which didn’t make for an ideal drive to Charleston for all of my follow-up appointments.

Friday, was a marathon of doctors in Charleston.  I saw a psychiatrist (it is a requirement of transplant patients) who I met only once before.  The last time I saw this lady was in November, after I had fasted and had 16 vials of blood drawn over a two hour period.  I was concerned about the surgery and wasn't really in the mood to talk.  Now that the surgery was behind me, I felt much calmer and wasn't weak from significant blood loss.  The psychiatrist was helpful, validated my feelings, and gave me great encouragement.  She said I was in really good shape physically and emotionally for being 3 months post-surgery.  In some ways, I don't have perspective on what is normal, so hearing from others who have seen patients undergo the same surgery gives me that perspective.

Next, I saw the surgeon who said I was a poster-child for the surgery.  He is not concerned about my fatigue, because "after chronic pain and major surgery you aren't going to just bounce back - your body is healing and that takes time."  He also said that many of his patients who are 6 months post-surgery are not doing nearly as well as I am doing now. 

The nutritionist said eating more frequent, small meals will help with my energy, but echoed the surgeon in saying that fatigue is normal 3 months after major surgery.  She also gave me some new vitamins to try.  

The endocrinologist (diabetes doctor), explained that when your immune system is fighting a virus, your blood sugars are going to be lower.  He said that I reacted perfectly when I started to feel shaky.  The best thing to do when I am sick is to rest and stay hydrated.  The endocrinologist asked if I would be willing to talk to another doctor who wanted to meet me.  She couldn't believe how well a person without a pancreas could be doing.  I couldn't believe a doctor was excited to see and meet me?!   

All of my doctors said they don't need to see me for 3 months.  After seeing them monthly, this feels like a huge vote of confidence.    

Wow!  I came home last night feeling pretty humbled.  I had been grumbling about my slow progress and it turns out I am way ahead of schedule.  I still feel weak and am fighting this virus, but I am back to soaring.  Isn't our God awesome?

I have three trips scheduled in the next three months.  I won’t be traveling alone, though, and I will be with family at all times as we celebrate birthdays, weddings, and friendships.  God knows I like to celebrate.  The good thing about being with family is they will help remind me to rest.  However, I greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue to listen to my body and have grace with myself.  Also, I would appreciate your prayers for discernment and open doors as I begin to think about future employment.

Lastly, I read that it was 3 months into wilderness before the Israelites heard from God at Mt. Sinai.  I look forward with anticipation to hear and discern God’s voice. 

I appreciate you reading this extensive update.  I hope I was able to convey how your prayers and encouragement have been heard and appreciated.  I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and am always delighted and honored to pray for you or someone you love. 

Blessings,

Becky

Ten Days... Pain-free!

Dearest friends and family,

I have a ton of answers to prayers to report.  The strange thing is I have had the hardest time sitting down at my computer to write an update.  Every time I would start I would get a lump in my throat.  This past Sunday (3/10) marked 2 months since my surgery.  It still feels raw to reflect back on where I have been.  I think I get choked up and my eyes get watery remembering the long stretches of intense pain and thinking I would never survive.  I also feel emotional thinking about all of the people who have supported my family and me on this turbulent journey.

<Big swallow, brushing tears aside, taking a deep breath>

I proclaim today with great joy and thanksgiving I have gone 10 days without pain or breakthrough pain medicine.  A miracle indeed!

I can hardly believe it myself. 

The absence of pain was initially overshadowed by insomnia and diarrhea.  After over 3 weeks of wrestling with insomnia and having to take Imodium like it was candy, I am delighted to share that since Friday (3/8), I have had only one sleepless night and have not had to take any more Imodium.

I believe in God’s divine wisdom and love, He allowed the really hard stuff to happen while my mom was with me.

I ended my last update with 3 prayer requests. All 3 have been answered far beyond how I could have imagined.  Praise be to God!

I will briefly mention some of the answers to prayers.  If you are interested in further details you can read about them further down.

1) While I was too sleep deprived to know how to take care of my body this past month, my mom and doctors had stellar ideas and advice.

Jack found an app that helps me keep track of my carbohydrate intake so I stay within my limits.  It is easy, fast, and specific; it knows that a small Fuji apple from Trader Joe’s is 22 grams of carbs.

With time and technology and lots of prayers, I am slowly learning how to take care of this refurbished body.

2) Both of Jack’s retreats went well with stronger relationships formed and there were no major disasters.  God also gave Jack the words and energy to deliver two sermons, two Sundays in a row.  The best part was having my dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law join me and my mom for my first Sunday back to church AND getting to hear Jack preach.

3) My parents are reunited in PA after my mom spent 2 months showing me sacrificial love.  It was bittersweet to say goodbye to my mom, but it helped that I got a star report from my surgeon the day my mom flew home.

Those are the answers to the three prayer requests from my last post.  However there are more…

After many phone calls to my insurance company and the help of my doctors, my prescriptions are all approved for the quantity I need each month.  This is a major victory and relief.

My mom helped me and Jack complete our Federal, State and local taxes. With moving and having limited energy, gathering all of the information and entering it was a huge undertaking and accomplishment.

I finished the Bible study I had worked on with my mom entitled, “Discerning the Voice of God” by Priscilla Shirer.  Jack mentioned a new study to try called “The Grand Sweep”.  Not only that, but we are doing it together!  This is like a triple answer to prayer – 1) I was looking for a new study 2) I wanted to do something with Jack that didn’t involve doctor appointments 3) I was praying for something to spiritually nourish Jack as he works long hours leading and guiding others. 

Two rather silly sounding answers to prayer, but huge answers to me – Jack found new sneakers in the first store we went in and the salesperson couldn’t have been more helpful and I found Irish Soda bread after looking at 3 stores.  Irish soda bread is my favorite part of St. Patrick’s Day.  I look forward to this bread all year.  Yes, I am a carb lover.

Naturally after my mom left, there was a void.  Jack is at work and I am slowly recovering from my weeks of insomnia.  We both needed something to look forward to and focus on.  God knew just the thing. Friends from Lancaster are visiting Beaufort this month.  It came as an unexpected surprise that has given us something to anticipate with joy.

With Spring and Easter around the corner, there is a sense of new life and new beginnings.  I am SO ready for a new beginning!  I asked the surgeon this past Friday (3/8) if my recovery time would be shorter, since I am doing so well.  He said, “No, you still have 4 more months of recovery.”  While I would like to hit fast forward and be done with this whole ordeal, I am thankful to have 2 hard months behind me.

I am getting anxious thinking about where I may work and how I might serve others.  As I read over my last blog update and could see how faithful God has been to my prayer requests, I feel at peace boldly asking for prayers for those things that are weighing on my heart.

1)      Prayers for discernment and direction for future employment.  May I be patient and not anxious about researching and prematurely applying for jobs.

2)      To let my body continue to rest and heal even on days when I feel really good.

3)      Prayers for offering this really raw and hard time to God with thanksgiving and asking for God’s will to be done with using it to bless others.

I am still slow at responding to emails, or even opening emails for that matter.  However, I would be delighted to pray with you or for you regarding anything weighing on your heart.  May joy and hope abound in your Spring.

Blessings and gratitude,

Becky

P. S.

I have to share an illustration of motherly love.  My mom invited me to come into her bedroom and wake her up when I couldn’t sleep.  (This was pretty much every night for several weeks!)  I was taking a strong sleeping medicine, causing me to be in a disoriented state and lacking normal coping skills.  I would cry and bounce my head on her bed in distress.  My mom would pray over me, read devotionals, and get me tea to drink.  I needed her soothing, calm voice to combat the frantic voice in my head.  I would start to fall asleep in her bed and then my body would begin twitching and I would be awake again.  Not only were the nights unpleasant, but during the day my mom would encourage me to walk with her and not take naps in hopes I would sleep that night.  My mom and doctor both felt I needed to stop taking the sleeping medicine, because it was actually making things worse.  Stopping the sleeping medicine made me feel less crazy in the middle of the night, but I still was not able to sleep two consecutive nights in a row.  My mom never got angry with me for disturbing her sleep and while I was grumpy and irritable during the day from sleep deprivation, my mom continued to cheerfully take care of me with her limited energy.  This was our pattern for about 3 weeks.  I think my mom is super woman!

Not having adequate sleep made it very difficult for me to keep things in perspective and my head would literally hurt when I tried to think.  My mom was able to keep my carbohydrate intake under control.  (All I want to do is eat carbs!) My mom and I continued to work on our Bible study each day, which gave me tremendous encouragement.  My mom would remind me of each step of progress made so far in this recovery.  It was so easy for me to get discouraged.

God, who loves me even more than my mom, which many times is hard for me to wrap my mind around, has divine timing.

While it was bittersweet to say good bye to my mom, God lavished my mom and I with hope.  This past Friday, my husband, my mom and I drove to Charleston for my 2 month follow-up appointment with the surgeon.  I was told I was a star patient and he was pleased with my progress.  I have been able to put on a few pounds and maintain them, which is not typical for the first three months of recovery.  I have my mom to thank for encouraging me to eat and the wonderful meals that were brought to our home by our church family.  I also believe all of the prayers and notes of encouragement have kept my spirits up and have helped propel me forward.  God gave the surgeon wisdom to suggest medicine to help relax me before bed.  After several weeks of wrestling with insomnia, I dreaded evenings.  I would get so nervous and anxious.  Also, the surgeon increased my enzyme dosage which has helped with properly absorbing my food.  Thus, when we dropped my mom off at the airport on Friday afternoon, she had extra reassurance that I was going to be okay.

Benchmarks

Hi fabulous cheerleaders,

I hope to be brief, but I have yet to be successful at accomplishing this goal.  Thus, I recommend getting a cup of tea and getting comfortable.

I have passed 2 significant benchmarks in the past 2 days with the help of friends, family and God.  Yes, that means YOU!  I cannot begin to list how many notes, emails and texts have arrived with divine timing, providing just the right words that I needed to hear.  Not to mention the prayers that have continued to carry me.  A lesson I learned many years ago is to celebrate the small stuff.  I hope you will join me in celebrating and remember to celebrate the the benchmarks in your life.

Yesterday, Feb 21, was exactly 6 weeks since my surgery.  I don't know what makes 6 weeks so special, but many of my discharge restrictions get lifted at 6 weeks.  Don't worry, I am not going out tonight to bench press 200 pounds or compete in a triathlon. (Figure, I will save that for next week ;0)  However, I now can take a bath and I am looking forward to enjoying this luxury.

Two days ago, Feb 20, marked one month of being at home post-surgery.  I have loved every minute of being out of a hospital gown, especially wearing sweatpants with pockets.

For those of you who know my mom, it will come as no surprise that she spoils me terribly.  She gave me a pair of sweatpants with pockets.  Pockets are so nice for holding my phone, tissues and keys.  These are my essentials when I go with my mom on our daily walks.

I have decided "pockets" is my favorite word for the day and sums up a lot of recent victories and challenges.

A season can feel really long and overwhelming, but pockets of time seem more manageable.  My days continue to be long, so I like thinking of each day as containing several pockets.  In the past few weeks I have had some marvelous pockets - I have gotten to walk the beach, get my haircut, and be serenaded by a barbershop quartet that came to my home on Valentine's Day (yes, Jack earned a wheelbarrow full of brownie points).  I have had pockets of time to read, to watch Carol Burnett Show episodes, and pray.

Most of my days consist of pockets of laughter and pockets of tears.  Pockets of epiphanies and encouragement and pockets of confusion.  Through the guidance of Priscilla Shirer in her study, "Discerning the Voice of God", and Scripture, I have been reminded that God's voice is not one of guilt or condemnation (Isaiah 54:4, Romans 8:1, John 8:11).  Instead, God's voice is one of love, truth and peace (James 3:17) and will always match up with what is in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16).  The revelation was that the Holy Spirit, which is the only one to know the thoughts of God (1 Corinthians 2:10-12), can lead 2 different people on 2 different paths and both be holy for those specific individuals (Romans 14).  For example, what job to take, what food to eat, what movies to watch, what books to read, etc.  I have felt confused for years why some people feel convicted to avoid certain things and others do not.  Romans 14 explains these differences and how we are to live in peace.  Hallelujah!  I am so thankful to serve a God of peace and not division.  (My mom and I have been writing Scripture on index cards to help remind ourselves of different truths.)  I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to read, grow and learn, but as you will see below I still have a ways to go.  

I have wrestled with and asked God for help in taking my eyes off of my circumstances and to be able to fix them on the Lord.  Maybe I need to change my prayer request...

As you all know, I hate pain - it is my Achilles' heal.  I feel like I can handle just about anything, but pain.  A week or so ago, I was gaining confidence.  I had the blood sugar testing down (side note: thank you for your prayers - it has become easier with time), I was walking farther and faster, sleeping less, eating more, and overall I was progressing in the linear way I prefer.  My pain had decreased to a point where I was able to go two days without any pain medicine.  I thought I was ready to go to church and keep moving forward.  Last Saturday night I was hit with horrible pain and could not fall asleep until 6 AM.  I rationalized that I let the pain get too bad before taking any medicine and therefore was unable to sleep.  I was relieved Sunday night when I was able to sleep.  Unfortunately, it felt like a replay Monday night, however this time the insomnia was accompanied by horrible stomach cramping.  I quickly realized I had a stomach bug.  Okay, not fun, but at least my mom was home with me and this was not a day we had doctors' appointments in Charleston.  I thought, "Yes, I am looking above my circumstances."  My mom even encouraged me that this stomach bug may be accelerating getting toxins out of my body.  Yes, I would think positively.  Unfortunately, my pride started to swell.  By Wed night I had survived 48 hours of running to the bathroom and not sleeping at night, while not taking any prescription pain medicine in 4 days.  I was staying hydrated and relying on Tylenol and moist heat.  I began imagining how proud my surgeon would be when I told him I was completely off prescription pain medicine, not even taking break through pain medicine, and had kept my blood sugars under control through my first bug.  While I didn't purchase a billboard add and say, "look at amazing me", I was feeling like I had licked this recovery.  To be honest, I couldn't wait to gain some strength after the stomach bug, so I could report on my progress.

Wed night my pain quickly escalated to a 12, on a 1 to 10 pain scale.  I cried as I took the break through pain medicine, because not only was the pain unbearable, but my record was now broken.  I also couldn't fall asleep until after 1 AM.  Last night the pain came back and again this afternoon.  I am humbly back to taking my pain medicine daily.  (I appreciate all of the encouragement to be easier on myself.  These words were particularly comforting the past few days.)  My blood sugars are spiking because of the pain.  I feel like once again, I am back on my knees begging for mercy.

My beloved church family in Lancaster, PA has a Lenten theme each year.  (Side note: Lent is a season of preparation for Easter.)  This year's theme is "Strength in Weakness".  The devotionals have helped encourage and remind me that in my weakness, God's strength more clearly shines.  This past Tuesday, I received a devotional from my Nana (my dad's mom) in the mail.  Max Lucado wrote, "Where is God when we hurt? Where is he when sleep won't come? Where is he when we awaken in a hospital bed with pain that won't subside?  He's right here!"  I started to cry as I read these words, because my Nana had put this in the mail before my latest insomnia and stomach bug episode began.  This is just one example of God's divine timing.  During my Bible study today the words in Exodus 3:7 leapt off the page.  God, says to Moses "I am aware of their [Israel's] suffering."  I felt that God was reminding me once again that I am not forgotten.  Thus, with hope and anticipation, I look forward to sharing how God's strength will continue to shine during this dry pocket.

I gratefully and humbly ask for your partnership in prayer.  My prayer requests:

1) Wisdom and discernment to hear God's voice, particularly with knowing how to take care of this body.  I am still waiting for the manual :0)

2) Endurance for my husband, Jack.  Needless to say, his sleep has been impacted this week by my insomnia.  This weekend and next weekend he is leading retreats and preaching this Sunday and next Sunday.

3) Peace for my parents.  My parents have made a tremendous sacrifice to be apart, so my mom could care for me.  I am grateful for so many who have encouraged and supported both of them.  Friday, March 8th my mom is flying home after being in SC for two months.  My prayer is that my mom would feel at peace when she leaves knowing I am okay and peace for my parents right now as they miss one another.

A Scripture that has been extra special to me over the past ten years I will conclude with.  From John 14:27 Jesus is quoted saying, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Peace, love and gratitude,

Becky

One Month Down

Dearest faithful friends and family,

Yesterday marked one month of being pancreas-free.  Surprisingly the past week or so has felt like the hardest stretch.  The withdrawal symptoms intensified to the point I couldn't sleep without the aid of prescription medication, had constant pain and nausea, couldn't get comfortable, felt like I was going to pass out and vomit simultaneously, and continued with sweats and chills.  I did a lot of crying and walking.  I joked with my mom that we better pull down the shades, so our neighbors wouldn't think we were taking some sort of illicit drugs as we marched around the house listening to praise music.  I would try and tire myself out so I could sleep.  Sleep was my only escape from pain.

Discouraged does not begin to capture how I felt.  Defeated and confused gets a little closer.  I just couldn't think straight, let alone comprehend that my healing was progressing forward.  I was pleading and begging God to eliminate the pain.  The pain had exceeded my threshold and exhaustion was making me extra miserable.  Not having a time-table for when the pain would let up was daunting and overwhelming.

This past Friday I had my first follow-up with the surgeon.  I am embarrassed to say, subconsciously I put my hope and trust in him to erase my pain.  I asked the surgeon why I was experiencing so much pain and what to do to prevent it.  I can only imagine what my face looked like when he replied, "Pain is normal after surgery.  You should anticipate pain for 6 months after this surgery."  Not what I wanted to hear!

Now that you have been down in the trenches with me are you ready for the miracles?!

These may not seem like miracles, but they were bursts of hope and affirmation that I was not forgotten.

Friday my favorite resident doctor from my hospital stay popped her head in just to say hello on her way to the OR.  I was able to report to her that I have been passing many manly farts.

The dietitian met with me (I hadn't known I was going to see her either) and made some recommendations to help with sour belches and getting good bacteria back in my system.

I was also able to meet with a pharmaceutical doctor to go over when and how I should be taking different medications.  She suggested taking nausea medicine every time I take pain medicine, because pain medicine can cause additional nausea.  

Today, literally and figuratively, the clouds parted.

I had a follow up appointment with my primary care physician (PCP).  He helped explain that the source of my pain is gone (aka the pancreas), but there are a lot of nerve endings that were attached to the pancreas.  The nerve endings will heal and I am progressing in the right direction.  His instructions were, "Keep smiling and don't get discouraged.  It is going to get easier."  This physician also suggested a different nausea medicine.  I took a dose today and for the first time in weeks I don't feel like I am going to throw up.  Can I get a hallelujah?!  

I also made some adjustments that the surgeon, nutritionist and pharmaceutical doctor recommended and I have had zero sour belches today.  In addition, for the first time in two weeks pain is not gripping and consuming my body.   

Two ladies, who do not know one another, independently shared that I am in the desert, but I am going to see the promised land.  I have been working on a Bible Study focusing on hearing God's voice by Priscilla Shirer.  She talks about praying (God has certainly been getting an earful from me), reading Scripture (I have been focusing on passages of hope in Jesus Today), and confirmations by Elis (mature and wise individuals) in your life.  I must also mention I have been blessed to continue to receive many encouraging notes and cards.  I feel like a slow learner.  I must be told and reminded many times that I am going to survive and the pain is not going to last forever.

I am also happy to report that my blood sugar continues to stay in the normal range.  I may have had a defective pancreas, but praise God my liver is healthy and willing to take on additional responsibilities :0)

I am hopeful that I have turned a corner.  Regardless, this little respite from pain has reminded me of how wonderful and enjoyable life can be.  God heard my weary cries and the pleading by many on my behalf.  I feel encouraged to press forward.  My prayer is that you too may feel encouraged, trusting and knowing that God hears your prayers and pleas.  As we approach Lent, a season of preparation for Easter, I hope you will listen and hear God's persistent voice through prayer, Scripture, and mentors.

Blessings and love,

Becky 

Blessed, but weary

Dear friends and family,

I come once again praising God for miracles, but also requesting continued prayers.

My appetite is continuing to increase little by little.  The pain and nausea after eating has decreased.  My sugar levels have continued to do well.  I have NOT had low blood sugar levels once.  My strength and stamina have increased.  I have continued to be able to walk outside every day with my mom.   My confidence is increasing with taking my blood sugar.  I saw a mama deer and her two babies in my backyard.  I started a new Bible study by Priscilla Shirer entitled Discerning the Voice of God; How to Recognize When God Speaks.  The list goes on and on.

However, the past few mornings have been rough and keep getting worse.  Today I woke up at 4:45 AM feeling like I was choking.  I have a sore throat and it hurts to swallow.  I continue to have a phlegmy cough.  I did my best to cough up some mucus, suck on a cough drop and adjust my pillows.  By 7 AM, I was soaked with sweat, had the chills, thought I was going to vomit and pass out, I had stomach cramps, back pain and diarrhea.  I checked my blood sugar and it was normal.  I took my temperature and it was normal.  

I believe what I am experiencing is pain medication withdrawal.  Last Sunday I dropped back from two pain pills a day to just one.  I experienced these unpleasant withdrawal symptoms in the Spring.  The good news is I know I will live and eventually the symptoms will go away.  The hard part is coughing, in particular, hurts a lot with a sizable abdominal incision.  It is also discouraging to have made such progress and now feel so awful.  

I broke down in tears this morning.  I naturally feel fatigued and not up for a new round of battle.  I started to doubt whether the pain will ever go away.  I feel like I am dying and the days feel soooooooooooooo long.  My mom is amazing at finding silly old movies to distract me.  My mom also reminds me of truths and rebukes the lies that are bouncing around in my head.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  Why must I suffer?  Why must anyone have to suffer?  I am SO ready for a sabbatical from pain!  How much longer?  How much more must I endure?  Shouldn't I be a pain expert by now?  Why cannot I handle this pain?

My mom is a great cheerleader.  I am now repeating to myself that, "I am going to make it.  The pain will not last forever.  The best is yet to come."

As I was reading my Bible study lesson today, a verse of Scripture jumped off the page and almost gave me a black eye :0)  Isaiah 50:4 "The Sovereign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary.  Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will."  I have been surrounded by comfort and feel terribly weary.  I felt God saying that through this experience, I will be able to comfort others who are weary.  I have been so blessed that I am grateful to be a blessing however and wherever I can.  

I received an email yesterday from someone I have never met, stating that one particular blog entry really touched her and encouraged her.  Well, I am not the one with wisdom, but God is.  I guess in a way it is a miracle, how God can use my experience, my brokenness, and request for prayers to encourage others.  

I appreciate your continued encouragement and support, especially while I am weary.  Your prayers are greatly appreciated.  Blessings to each of you!

Love,

Becky