I apologize for the delay with regards to my appointment on October 26th at MUSC. It has taken me some time to process and am still in the midst of processing. However, a LOT of answers to prayers have occurred in the past week.
I should preface by sharing the past month has been a roller coaster of pain and emotions. I have had good and bad days. On good days, I have a few hours of pep and the pain is minimal. I feel on top of the world and life looks pretty good. On bad days, I am in excruciating pain, have no energy and life looks pretty dismal. I was very nervous about Friday's appointment at MUSC. My prayer was for direction, wisdom and hope.
God far exceeded these requests. The staff at MUSC was compassionate AND competent AND organized. The care of the physicians, nurses, PAs, residents and even registration employees was evident in their words, actions and body language. We never waited more than 20 minutes between appointments. We were walked from one office to the next and even given a hug by a nurse. Dr. Adams (the pancreas specialist and surgeon) was open to different options, but ultimately there is only one permanent solution and it will provide me with greatly improved quality of life. "Quality of life" is what my heart is yearning for and I don't want to have surgeries that only provide me with temporary relief. I want to be well so I can return to work, take care of others, be a good friend, be a helper for my husband and eventually be an active mother. Every week it is becoming more evident that my quality of life is decreasing and the harder I fight to be strong the weaker I become.
The plan is to have the total pancreatectomy with islet cell transplantation in January at MUSC. I will become a diabetic and be in the hospital 10-30 days. The expected recovery time at home is 6 months. Thus, by July I should be feeling pretty good. In some ways July seems like a long way off, but knowing there is an end to excessive pain and exhaustion is a huge source of hope.
Jack preached this past Sunday for the first time at our new church home. His message focused around wounds and scars and our 3 choices. 1) Stay stuck in the past and shackled to fear. 2) Pretend everything is perfect and project an airbrushed image. OR 3) View our scars and trials as gifts and opportunities to relate to others and tools in our ministry as we follow Jesus and place our trust in the LORD. The third option is ideal and what I am striving for. I am not a saint and certainly fall into option 1 or 2 frequently. God has placed some amazing role models in my life over the years that have revealed their scars to me. While we don't have the same scars, being able to relate is very helpful and healing for me.
Thus, as much as I would like to focus on the good days, I want to be authentic and that includes sharing the challenges. Right now I am trying to stay as comfortable as possible on pain medicine. As mentioned before, the challenge with the pain medicine is it makes me very drowsy and my brain foggy. Having no energy and jello for a brain is difficult when trying to meet new people and get settled in a new home and community. Thus, I tend to stay home and feel pretty isolated and alone. I have also started to have a lot of pain with eating causing my appetite to plummet. The pain escalates my anxiety causing me to worry about how intense the pain will become and how long it will last.
My body is so weak from over a year of battling this pain that unexpected stress sends me into a tailspin. This past week I met with my new primary care physician. He wouldn't prescribe me medicine that I need for digesting food, or prescribe pain medicine or complete ongoing paperwork that is required for disability. The doctor accused me of being a drug addict. I left the office in tears. This doctor clearly did not care about trying to get to know my health background and help me as I prepare for surgery. I was terrified and caught totally off guard. Thankfully, in this small community word got out about my horrendous experience and another doctor stepped up and met with me. He is willing to work with me. What a huge answer to prayer!
I ask for continued prayer for the Lord's healing, strength and peace. I feel fragile and empty, so I greatly appreciate prayers that truly sustain me. My other major prayer request would be for my husband, Jack. He has a full time job as a minister in a new community AND is taking care of me. It breaks my heart that I cannot take care of him and then I feel like a huge added weight. Please pray for strength and comfort to surround him.
My struggles and challenges seem teeny tiny in comparison to the obstacles facing those affected by Hurricane Sandy. My heart and prayers go out to those impacted. I often feel guilty, because I easily become self-focused with my own pain and challenges. I feel quite needy with very little to offer. Many days I lack the energy to return phone calls or emails. I do not have much, but what I have I give freely. 1) I keep a prayer list and pray many times throughout the day. I am constantly aware of my dependence on the Lord for strength. I am always honored to pray along side of you or even pray for something when you do not have the strength to pray for it yourself. 2) I will try and be as honest and open about my journey. God deserves all the glory. However my experience can be utilized to bless others I am all for.
Thank you for your partnership in prayer and friendship.
Blessings,
Becky
